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My time to have a baby, you say? Just don’t.

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At 35 years of age, I’m well acquainted with that ticking clock. It’s loud and obnoxious, and it makes me do complicated math to figure out if I’d still have the energy to catch a toddler that would undoubtedly run circles around me.

This past weekend, while carrying around my baby nephew, whom I adore dearly, I was duly informed (for what is now officially the millionth time) “It’s time for you to have a child of your own!”

Suffice it to say, I’m tired of this ongoing helpful-reminder, as everyone around me must think that I either can’t read a calendar or am simply so selfish to only be thinking of my uber amount of free, childless time.

Conceiving problems, can't get pregnant, #TTC
In reality, I’m stuck. I don’t have a way to say what I truly feel, when a well-meaning relative, friend or neighbor admonishes me for not having been preggers yet, (and don’t get me started when the chiding comes with a pat to my empty stomach, because touching me there must be entirely okay.)

My current response is a no-wait-I’ve-heard-this-one-before chuckle, then an all-body blush, followed by a “Yeah, motherhood is just not for me,” which is a boldfaced lie. But, it’s much easier to get that sentiment across instead of breaking out the tears with the #truth. I wouldn’t get very far sobbing out, “As much as I’d love a child that has all the best qualities of my husband and I, I’m broken and can’t conceive, so STFU KTHXBAI.”

That self-contained explosion likely wouldn’t go over very well, and I would be bound to repeat myself and try to explain further.

The problem is, I can’t talk about what ails me, not even to my parents, and simply saying “I can’t,” and leaving it like that, wouldn’t be enough for anyone.

I’m not ready to speak about my health, my (hopefully temporary) infertility,  so I’m left with lying to the goodhearted folks I surround myself with, who think they’re being funny or supportive.

What they don’t know is, every day, I mourn.

There should be a child in my life, aged anywhere from a second to just over five years.  We’ve been happily trying for six years, and while I knew this failure was in my pocket for a while now, it wasn’t until early 2015 that I finally got confirmation that my health doesn’t afford an easy pregnancy.

It’s a near improbable thing right now for me to get pregnant, and it might always be that case, depending on what modern health sciences and technology can do for my health. The one time where I had thought we had conceived, well… let’s just say it didn’t last very long, and to state that I felt devastated and highly depressed for more than a year later would be an epic understatement.

Every time I see a child, happy, or crying, or repeatedly whining loudly, “Mommy!” at a Walmart, I have a “What if?” moment.

What if my body had not betrayed me, and I could have that little bundle of pain and nightmares and irrevocable joy in our life. What if I was staring into the face of my beautiful, smiling baby right now, ‘cause he was making the nastiest poop I’ll ever uncover.

What if I’d be celebrating a quiet night in with my partner, phone glued to my hand, ‘cause our daughter was on her first ever sleepover next-door with her BFF.

These moments happen every day, for other parents, but not us.

So, at this moment, a baby is just not going to happen.

Who knows though, with my upcoming surgery, I might get better in the next few months. I might become fertile in a few months or a few years, but by then, Jay and I might decide its too late anyway. Its a race between that ever-present ticking clock and my doctor’s smiling hopeful statement of, “Wait and see.”

In the meantime, I find myself so very compelled to ask you fine people of the interwebs to please, PLEASE, refrain from uttering well-meaning or cheeky comments to people who don’t have children.

Please think better of it than to tell a woman it’s their time to have a baby. You just might be saving yourself from witnessing an impressive meltdown, and possibly a bit of violence, by not doing so.

Maybe they can’t. Maybe they simply don’t want to. Regardless of choice or circumstance, it’s not anyone’s business but their own.

So please, do me a solid, and next time you think to tell someone “You should have a baby,” just don’t.

Help me share these thoughts on Twitter, please?

[clickToTweet tweet=”Find out why telling a person its time to have a baby is not okay on Geek with Style” quote=”Find out why telling a person its time to have a baby is not okay on Geek with Style”]

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Living in Superman’s Metropolis (aka Toronto, Canada), Aeryn Lynne found a way to entirely over-share everything she loves, and make a career out of it! Ultimately a geek, she waxes poetically over technology, squees over comic art, hunts down the nerdiest places to visit and literally sparkles, thanks to her makeup addiction.

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19 Comments on “My time to have a baby, you say? Just don’t.

Christina
August 21, 2015 at 12:21 pm

I stumbled upon your post on LinkedIn – someone in my network had liked your post, which then pushed it into my newsfeed. I’ve never read your blog before, but I immediately clicked on your post because I too have been told the same thing, and have been battling infertility for years. My stomach has received more injections than I care to admit, and I can’t even begin to think of how much I’ve shelled-out at fertility clinics.

I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

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Aeryn Lynne
August 21, 2015 at 4:22 pm

Eek, thank you for reminding me that I need to check what is automatically being posted to LinkedIn, oops! lol…

*HUGS* Christina. It sucks, but it is also comforting to know when you’re not alone with these issues. Perhaps, hopefully soon, our friends/family will think before they speak! *crossing fingers* Wishing you all the best on your journey. <3

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coffee with julie
August 21, 2015 at 5:04 pm

I always cringe when I hear people saying those kinds of comments … I feel like loudly pronouncing that he/she in question is not a parent because they’ve just survived life-saving radiation treatment for cancer so SHUT UP and MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!

If it provides any comfort to you, I’ll let you know that the societal nudges never really end. First, “time to get married?” then “time for a baby?” and then two minutes after the baby is born, “when is baby getting a sibling?” Infertility can feel very devastating. I wish the very best in the future for you and your partner.

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Aeryn Lynne
August 21, 2015 at 11:29 pm

*HUGS* Julie! Yep, as a society we definitely need to be more mindful of each other!

If it provides any comfort to you, I’ll let you know that the societal nudges never really end.
It does LOTS actually. 😉

I imagine, if I ever get to create a tiny human in the near future, I’ll be sure to wear a shirt everyday from then on that says, “Nope. This is it.” lol

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paula schuck
August 21, 2015 at 6:52 pm

Aeryn: I love you my friend! These two posts today about infertility and fertility broke my heart in two. I don’t have the right words. None of us do. BUT I am here always if you ever need a shoulder. Or ideas or thoughts about what next…I have a wee bit of experience in this area. It’s not okay for people to ask the question. Or pat stomachs or any of that. The saddest part of all of this to me is always is that people I know who are struggling like you are, would clearly – to anyone with eyes – be such amazing parents. You are one of those people and I hope with all of my heart for this to happen for you and Jay. You are strong my friend. Stronger than most people know. HUGS!!

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Aeryn Lynne
August 21, 2015 at 11:24 pm

You are all kinds of awesome Paula! <3 you!!! 🙂 And awwwhhh, you have me in tears now, thank you, heh. *HUGS* You and I need to grab a coffee sometime when there isn't a conference happening. I'd love to compare notes with you, and simply catch up hun.

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Cheryl
August 21, 2015 at 7:33 pm

Oh Aeryn, I’m so sorry. This post brought tears to my eyes. Thinking positive thoughts and sending love. Thank you for sharing your story.

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Aeryn Lynne
August 21, 2015 at 11:15 pm

Oh, *hugs* Cheryl! I’m sorry this post brought on the tears. (… I’ll admit it did for me too while I wrote it.) Thanks so much for the positive vibes, and am sending some right back to you!

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Ann BAcciaglia
August 21, 2015 at 9:21 pm

Hugs to you my friend. You are one of my favourite people and I am so sad that you are hurting. xoxo

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Aeryn Lynne
August 21, 2015 at 11:13 pm

<3 you Ann! *HUGS*

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Jeannette
August 22, 2015 at 1:16 am

I have an Aunt with fertility issues and I saw how difficult it was for her so I have never said anything to individuals that don’t have children. It is something that most people take for granted. You assume one day that you will have a child but for some it doesn’t work out that way. It broke my heart watching my Aunt who wanted a child so badly never have one. I wish that anyone that wanted a child could do so. It must be just heart wrenching when it does not happen. My heart goes out to those that can not and you will never hear me question anyone about why they have not had children yet.

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Aeryn Lynne
August 23, 2015 at 12:18 am

Heart wrenching is definitely a word for it. Like today, simply going to Ikea to find some new shelving, and they make you walk through this kids land thing full of toys/storage/etc, and there’s not much you can do but walk through that maze of kids stuff to get to the exit, and that alone is enough to make my throat hurt. *shrugs*

I feel for you and your Aunt, Jeannette. Its a feeling of loss that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. <3 I certainly don't want to make it sound like I can claim in any way that I know what its like between you and your Aunt... What I can say though, is that I'm an Aunt myself to two wonderful, cheeky, little boys and they definitely help me and lift my spirit, day to day, just by being themselves. Watching them grow sometimes helps me forget my troubles just to concentrate on what they're doing/exploring at any give moment. 🙂

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Susan
August 22, 2015 at 1:34 am

Aeryn you are my best friend and I am so sad right now for you and Jay :(. This post made me cry :(. I wish we lived closer and could easily spend more time together. I miss you :(. You know you can always talk to me! Don’t give up hope. Give me a call 🙂

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Aeryn Lynne
August 23, 2015 at 12:23 am

<3 u Susan!! I really didn't mean to make anyone cry. *HUGS* It truly has been forever since we last hung out... I need to finally get my license and come visit you for coffee or something, lol.

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Margarita Ibbott (@DownshiftingPRO)
August 22, 2015 at 12:17 pm

This does not define you. You are an amazing, amazing person and an incredibly loving Aunt. I have no words to say how much I love your post. I hope that in the next while your prayers will be answered. I want you to know you are awesome. Truly awesome Aeryn. Hugs to you an Jay.

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Kathy
August 22, 2015 at 6:51 pm

I can completely relate to this post Aeryn. I’m so sorry and i really hope that you can experience having your own child at some point in your near future. I was 32 when i started ttc. I had my first and only baby at 42 after several surgeries, procedures and miscarriages (including an ectopic which is scary). I ended up going with a donor egg because my eggs became too old to use. That was also hard to absorb but i feel very blessed that i have my son to hold each and everyday after my long struggle. Not going to deny that i always wanted two children and would therefore love another but i could not go through that emotional rollercoaster again. I’m exhausted from it all and completely financially, physically and emotionally drained. I really don’t know how i did it for so long, some days. I guess i just kept hanging on to the hope i had in the pregnancies that i did have. I felt like throwing in the towel so many times and felt isolated and defeated. My determination got me through. i’m now able to help support a friend of mine who is starting down the ivf road. I really hope that both my friend and yourself have your dreams come true.

Yours in fertility,
Kathy

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[…] talking about a good blogger friend of mine, Aeryn over at Geek with Style,  that has suffered the pain of struggling with infertility as well as the heartbreak of having […]

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Danielle
October 21, 2015 at 8:15 pm

This just hit the nail on the head! I’m so glad I came across this post…thanks pinterest! and thank you for posting Aeryn.

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Christine
October 23, 2015 at 7:17 am

Oh, Aeryn! This post hits so close to home. We have been going through the same thing. We do have one amazing child, but the journey to becoming parents was not an easy road. It was heartbreaking, stressful, but then one day we were surprised to discover we were pregnant. We have since tried to have another child, but it has been nearly 6 years. Miscarriages, more heartache and feelings of hopeless.

Thank you for writing this post. Xo

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